| Update |
[Mar. 21st, 2007|02:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
I had so much fun at the war that I really didn't want to leave. But I never want to leave a war. Im with family and friends, who would want to leave that. The weather was amazing and I just couldn't beleive the amount of people who are so warm and caring.
I love the SCA and all that it stands for. I wasn't hurt at all this war just standard bursing and cuts.
Seeing Papa and Momma made Court Baron and Baroness made my war!
Really I feel they deserve it.
I have found a greater friend in Brun, and will be working with him as much as I can.
Things look to be going in a better direction.
Im going out on dates, weird cause I don't like going out too much, I am a home body. We have new people in the barony, and
looks like maybe even new fighters.
The only problem Im having right now is not having a car.
ERRR
well Im trying to fix it. |
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| Hmmmm |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|05:44 pm] |
well things are going great so far. I don't know what is going to happen but I don't really want anything serious, though when we are together it sure feels like its solid.
Im heading out tonight again with him, so we shall see. There are a few things about him that may be a problem, but I don't know how big they will be.
HMMMMMMMMM
don't know. |
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| Happy Cat |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|03:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Savage Garden | ] |
Ok, through all the crap that has been happening to me in the last few years with Nick and my health and whatnot, I am finally happy!
I have met this great guy, Jack, and we have been going out for a few weeks now, and I have met his parents and he met mine. So that all went over fairly well.
He is a local musician and a bit of a wild spirit. He will be joining the SCA again, to be able to spend time with me.
Seeming too good to be true, the man is very good to me and makes sure that I am safe at home every night and makes sure if I need anything to let him know.
Being a home body isn't really an option anymore, he makes sure that I go out and have fun. So if Im not on at night as much ya'll know.
I started painting agian because of him, and my work will be posted to my myspace.
www.myspace.com/catanruhd
soon as it drys. He is going to try and go to maidens with me, so Im all excited.
You all that know me and know how much I talk, I dont' hold a candle to him, lol, and his voice when he sings just captures you.
Ok thats why I am a happy Cat.
LOL |
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| Depressed |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|10:07 am] |
|
I have been unemployed but technically still employed by my job since Oct. 3. I am going crazy because they didn't feel like transfering me to Rockford so I am stuck here in Belleville. I am very depressed because work is "trying" to find me hours, while I am looking for another job. My Knight has told me I am in the zone, and that he needs to see what I can do. He wants to move me as far as I can but lately I can't even get out of bed. I have really no energy to speak of and when people see me I act like Im okay. My best friends arn't really around for me at this point in time, and I understand everyone has their own lives. I just wish that I could just do what I need to do to get by insted of pretending like I'll be okay. This is the first holiday season that I'm haveing with out someone with me. I miss what my life had been. |
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| well |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|05:58 am] |
ok I have two days till i turn 21, and i move the tuesday after that.
im so scared and don't know what to think. i don't know many people up there, but i have to get away. nick and his brother andy desided they would tell people that i was a whore and bad in bed. i don't know what i did to deserve that but whatever, thats all on them. i don't care. i know me and my friends know me and know that im not like that. just because i went out with a few people after he left me that doesn't make me a whore. and stories from pennisc that didn't happen. whatever! im me like it or fuck off. thats really all i had to say to them. only a few days before i am going to be around people who dont know me and i get a brand new start.
all i need is a loving family, and what do you know i do in the sca and where im going. ive even met someone up and around where i am going to be. so i hope that i can open up again. ive been walking wounded for six months and one man was there for me when i needed someone, and i for him when at the same time he needed someone.
im not really looking for much, just to be happy and this move is the only thing i could think of that will be a start after all i went through, and all that i still have been going through, i have to see nick sat, at a freinds house for a game, which happens to be my birthday, and all i know is that that is the last time for a good long while that i will be seeing him, then sunday meeting will be the last time that i will see a large number of my barony, and today is the last time i will see many of my friends form three rivers which i regret leaving. they have always made me feel so wanted.
i'm not really feeling anything at the time. if i do i fear that i will just cry. ive never been this far from mom and dad and planed on not coming back.
as far as i know i am not coming back. though i plan on keeping as much contact with them as i can. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|12:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Life is a highway, Rascal Flats | ] |
Well mom has been lording over what parental power she has over me lately. She doen't want me to move, but I need to be on my own and away from those who make my life dramatic, like my ex. Who still won't give me my stuff back.
herumph
Past that life is cardboard boxes and packing tape.
Trying to get by with out doing much spending.
Monica is very excited though, she really wants me up there sooner, but with my boss on vacation and my transfer on hold because of it, Im leaning towards the no on that, besides the way I have it set up is, I get my birthday off and crown so I can go.
Im really going to miss mom and dad, but at the same time, I need to get away from all the memories that I have with Nick, I see him around and now that he was fired from work, hes even more depressing then normal.
I told him I was leaving and he asked me to stay, I can't. I already made a promise I would move.
So on a lighter note, practice was fun and my arm is blue. Took an arm for a head, not a bad trade at the time... lol. now I hurt.
HUGS too all |
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| Practice |
[Sep. 15th, 2006|01:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gentelman Soldier - Steel Eye Span | ] |
Well this week is really been my first sets of practices in a good long while. I feel like I am getting back into the swing of where I need to be and hopefully will be by the time I get up to Rockford.
I leave in less then a month now and my excitment grows with each passing day. I have a great running car that gets great mileage and a new found love for the fights that I have not had in a while.
I really have missed it.
Hmmmm, I guess being with someone who didn't have an interest really took its toll. Now Cat is back...
lol I guess thats a funny way to put it.
stargazer_jq is ofcourse back on recon dubties for me, inside joke I guess, but never the less she is. She also needs to call me on Sunday night, hint hint
Any way except for men life is going great and other then feeling alone, Im always in good company.
ITS FREEZING TONIGHT! |
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| OKAY THEN |
[Sep. 10th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  http://ad.yieldmanager.com/cli | ] |
| [ | music |
| | blake shelton -baby | ] |
alright, I have no luck with just about everything. I can't seem to hold on to anything that seems to be good for me. Though I tend to hit limits insted.
what can I do to keep interest in not only what I love to do but with people. it seems that everyone loves to talk to me and spend time with me, but that seems to be all.
really i am ready to settle down and be happy but at the same time i am so very defencive after what nick did to me that i don't want to really let anyone in.
so okay then, i know its me... first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
here it is
i am afraid that the next person no matter how true of intentions is going to hurt me. so i look for everyway to make sure that i can't be happy. if your not happy you can't be hurt.
bitter huh, i am and i know that all i need is time, time i have loads of that, only i don't go out, never just have friends over, i work all the time, don't really see anyone i know....
gee, if not for work i would be a hermit. i can order pizza over the net..
so thats the gist of my inner thoughts, at the moment.
i am the reason i am not happy. and i am pushing everyone away.
wow, i need a friend. |
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| Unexpected turns |
[Sep. 10th, 2006|11:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blake Shelton- heavy lifting | ] |
My life is and shall always be full of unexpected turns,
usually not good ones, but with that you have to look past all that you think is wrong.
There are very special people in my life that get me through each and everyday.
Though I am really the one in my own mind that has to do it, I have a hard time with many things. I know that stargazer_jq will say Im young and learning, because thats what she does for me,
My packing is comming along, and I have found some artwork that I did not know I had anymore. Interesting to see that the worse I felt date by date the better the art really is, odd.
It seems the more depressed I am the more beautiful the work. Or the more firightning it is. LOL
Oh Im babbeling, but ya all are used to that from me. |
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|
| moving on |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|11:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gentalmen Soldier | ] |
Well as most know already I am moving up north and I am on edge right now. What ya'll don't know is someone is making me happy. All shall be reveiled in time though. Right now Im just happy.
I am working too much as usuall. Im not sleeping very well if at all again. Nothing is really working for it and Im slowly going crazy, looking for things to do.
Nick still hasn't brought my stuff by and tracking him down isn't worth my time. I guess I don't really need any of it, but the dishes his mom left me before she passed away I would really like to have, I did love her.
Passed all that life is good right now. Not simple but nice. I am starting to really get in the swing of my life again and where Im wanting it to go. Of course my good friends are helping, and new friends are even more help. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|07:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home/ kinda | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cherry Poppen Daddies | ] |
Well I am getting |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|07:52 pm] |
Im so happy to feel like I am at home again. I missed the SCA so much and didn't realize how much I had missed it. After seeing my haus and all of my friends I got home and cryed. I missed everyone so very much and I don't know how I stayed away for so long. Now I am compleatly healed and ready to go. I am going to be moving to the Shire of Blackhawk in six weeks, so I am very excited about that. I am finally getting away, I won't be making any mistakes by taking Nick back anytime soon.
I told him I was moving and I wanted my stuff back and of course he didn't bring it over today. I am almost compleatly packed now and Im not really that worried about my things. If he didn't bring them over then I didn't need to see him.
I still love him but he doesn't treat me very well. I learned the hard way and now Im not letting anyone in very much. Im trying. Being at Pennsic was good for me I was able to start opening up again. Being with people I care about.
Gosh I missed all of you and I missed being part of a family.
I will be attending Crown I think as my next event. I may be going to Lockmorrow If Raz is going. Im trying to get a vehicle but nothing is really comeing up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|06:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | \ | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Some Body is First to Die | ] |
I just got back from the first event I have been to in months. I feel so great now, though I have a horrible sunburn and some bruses. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
Julia you need to call me I want to tell you something, he's great!
I can't wait to leave in a week, Pennic is going to be so great!
I am still unpacking and have to do it quickly because I have to find my garb, lol.
I am so happy right now, except sitting is hard, the bruses are bad lol. But so worth ig |
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| I don't know what to feel |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|02:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fighting for Strangers- Steeleye Span | ] |
I have not had Nick beside me in almost a month. I feel so empty. I have tried going out with other men and I either make up a reason not too or I go and am misserable. Even though they treat me better then Nick did in four years. Im also unwilling because they are not in the sca. I need someone who won't hold me back. My heart is so scared right now and Im afraid to let it out of the box I keep it in. But at the same time I am so afriad to be alone. I cry all the time now and its so hard to get by day by day. So I work so many hours so that I can forget for a short while.
I lay in bed quite a bit just crying. I don't know why I cry. I know Nick has to grow up and I know he loves me but I just hate being so close to him and not being with him.
I am going to be moving north soon, after Pennsic that is. I just want to be away from the temptation of going back to him all the time. What I need is for someone to set me up. LOL.
Wow I can't beleive I said that, but its true. There are a few men I like but could never say anything to. Julia you know who some are. I will probebly be my old flirty self once I get to the war but for right now I am so lost. I just want someone to be there,
not just for sex but for me.
We'll see what happens. I just want to be happy and healthy. This depression is killing me. |
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| Moving on |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|07:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
Alright I know that I may seem like a bad person by trying to move on. I still love Nick and I am in love with him. But with his problems and needing to grow up, I have found an outlet and I need to move on. I have a date on Sunday and I will be out all day. I told Nick because we are roommates and all so I let him know and he is upset. This was his choice to push me away so I don't feel bad. I need a good relationship right now and I hope that Jay is going to be good for me. |
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| Now adays |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|10:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gentleman Soldier- Steeleye Span | ] |
I am trying to get Nick to understand that the love I have for him is forever and that I would give him the shirt off my back if he needed it. Why does he not realize how good I am insted of what he dosn't want me to be.
I do not know where we stand at this point. More like roommates that share a bed.
Untill he knows I am lost. I have feelings for someone very close to me and I don't know what to do about it. He knows and feels the same but its complicated.
I would gladly spend my life with Nick and I know the kind of potenial he has.
Hes trying to grow up and having a hard time doing it.
Though I can go to another with no question from Nick I choose not too. I want him only if he wants me. Dose he though.
I have to know soon I can not wait another four years for this answer.
Julia if you are in #$%@ then don't keep it a secret.
Respect and honesty. One of us should be happy.
Remember I don't want to be an Aunt!
Hugs |
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| WOW |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|02:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
I met someone I am proud to know today. I feel bad because Nick and I are having problems mainly because of his commitmet issues. Honestly I think I will end up left at the alter in December because he's going to be standing there dressed up and then walk out before we say I DO.
Now I love him there isn't any dispute in my mind that I do. But I don't know what he's thinking.
Now I met someone today that is the most amazing person I have met.
I feel horrible that I like him and that I am thinking about him still when I have Nick. I don't know what to do. Nick wants an open relation ship and I am fine with it. He feels that he doesn't fafill me which is true. We don't really ever have sex once or twice a month. So he told me if I get the oppertunity to just do it.
Well I never thought much of it untill now.
I don't know if I should because I fell neglected by Nick that I need to find someone to make me feel wanted. I also don't know what to do because of how much I love Nick. He is my first and only and I want more and I know by being with women that there is more that I am missing.
What do I do. If I do do anythig with this wonderful man I don't know if I will fall in love with him.
I haven't ever been around a man that held his word and ment it. I have also never met a man is so simialr by fate. I know what Julia will say and I know she's probebly right. She could call and scolled me anyway.
I have only ever been treated this well by one other man in my life and thats Jim. Julia knows who I am talking about. And Julia you know if I could I would be with him in a heart beat.
So why do I feel so guilty when I have the permission and I haven'e done anything.
He has the tattoo I had planed on getting, he has the same scar I have.
All of these little things they add up and he says
"As yo wish" and said that that means "I love you" when he says it.
He made me cry alot while we talked. Kissed my hand and made me feel.
Julia what do I do? Call me at some point.
Hugs |
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| Always something wrong |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|07:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No body knows | ] |
there are always complications in my life and today we were supposed to move and were not able. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|02:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  envious | ] |
Well I have been in that pre move state and I am going crazy.
Nick and I are so excited and we have three more days!
Julia got flowers why can't I? :(
Oh well someday I guess my birthday is in October.... |
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|
| News |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Saga Begins | ] |
Okay Julia I told you I would leave you a note here. I won't be there this weekend and Nick and I will not be doing much for a while. I know that sucks but we are trying to get on our feet. Oh there is something I don't want to say on here.
I have been reading your lj and you seem so happy.
I just want to tell you that I am watching out for you and am being sure that no one disgrases you at all.
No one really says anything infront of me so I have my spys out there to let me know whats going on.
Hugs..... |
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